For most of my career, I operated under a specific assumption about Emotional Intelligence (EQ). I thought EQ was synonymous with being “good with people.” I assumed that if you were kind, empathetic, and cared deeply about your team, you had high EQ.
And by that definition, I thought I was doing great.
I’ve always been the person people come to with their problems. I’m the one who remembers birthdays, senses when the energy in a room is off, and instinctively jumps in to help when a project is drowning. In my mind, these were my superpowers.
But recently, I took an EQ-i 2.0 assessment with executive coach, Jeff Jewell, and the results stopped me in my tracks. They didn’t just show me where I was strong; they showed me why I was exhausted.
It turns out, there is such a thing as caring too much — or rather, caring without balance.
The Data Behind the Feeling
Honestly, I went into the assessment expecting a nice pat on the back for my interpersonal skills. Jeff explained that the assessment is scientifically validated and normed against a massive population, so it wasn’t a personality quiz — it was data about my emotional strengths and weaknesses.
When we reviewed my Workplace Report, the numbers confirmed what I suspected: My Empathy and Social Responsibility scores were high, hitting 125 when the average is 100. I genuinely care about the greater good and understanding how others feel.
But then we looked at the flip side. My Assertiveness was significantly lower, sitting at 81.
Jeff pointed out a critical imbalance. He explained that when Empathy is high and Assertiveness is low, we tend to prioritize everyone else’s needs and feelings over our own. We become “Good Samaritans” at the cost of our own well-being.
The “Morning Chaos” Wake-Up Call
During our debrief, Jeff asked me how this dynamic played out in my day-to-day life. I described a typical morning whirlwind: I’m up early exercising, then rushing to pack lunches, pour coffee and green smoothies, and make sure everyone has their backpacks. My husband has to leave for work earlier than I do, and as he walked out the door, I found myself feeling the weight of the morning chaos resting solely on me.
I felt frustrated and overwhelmed, but instead of pausing to ask for the support I needed before he left, I just smiled and said, “Have a good day!” I was expecting him to instinctively know what I needed without me ever saying a word.
Jeff asked a simple, piercing question: Does he know you feel overwhelmed, or are you expecting him to read your mind?
The answer was the latter. I hadn’t actually asked for help. I was hoarding the burden because I felt it was my “job” to fill in the cracks, even when it overwhelmed me.
The Professional Pivot
This wasn’t just about coffee, shoes, and lunches. This was how I tended to show up in my career.
I realized that in an effort to be the perfect partner, I often held back my true opinion or needs to avoid friction. When I sensed someone at work was stressed or overwhelmed, my high empathy would kick in, and I’d instinctively absorb that pressure — volunteering for tasks outside my scope or agreeing to tight timelines just to be helpful.
In reality, I wasn’t being helpful; I was blurring boundaries. By not advocating for realistic expectations or asserting my own capacity, I wasn’t giving my people at work the strategic honesty they actually hired me for. I was prioritizing being accommodating over being effective.
Jeff helped me see that true leadership isn’t just about technical execution or being the most liked person in the room. As you grow in your career, your technical skills matter less, and your ability to navigate human dynamics — and manage your own energy — matters more.
If we can’t assert our own professional needs, our high empathy becomes a liability. We burn out. And ultimately, we lose the energy required to deliver our best work for the very people we are trying to support.
Moving from “Nice” to Balanced
The biggest takeaway from my work with Jeff has been that Emotional Intelligence is not a fixed trait. It’s a set of skills we can dial up or down.
I’m learning that Assertiveness doesn’t mean being aggressive; it means communicating my feelings and beliefs openly. It means recognizing that my needs are valid and that speaking up is the kinder option, as it prevents resentment from rotting the relationship.
For anyone looking to grow in their career, I cannot recommend exploring your EQ enough. It’s not just about “soft skills.” It’s about the hard data of how you show up for yourself and others.
If you find yourself constantly exhausted by your own “niceness,” it might be time to stop guessing and get the data. It might just save your sanity, too.
Are you ready to stop guessing and start leading with authentic confidence? Reach out to Jeff Jewell Consulting to see how executive coaching and EQ assessments can transform your career.